Knowing my place?

The other day I was at the gym running on a treadmill. The gym was busy but not yet crowded. I was about 10 minutes into my 45 minute run when one of the many teenage girls there got on the contraption to my left (not sure what this machine is called but it's kind of like an elliptical that simulates running more... I digress.....)
She instantly began to yell across me to the treadmill two down from me, where her friend had been perched since prior to my arrival. "Oh, you were supposed to be on this treadmill (pointing to the one I am on)." She continues, loudly, for the next 15-20 minutes to whine about her friend being too far away from her, how difficult her workout is, how especially difficult is is without her friend right next to her. and on and on....
Despite my own Ipod making valiant efforts to block this noise, I hear her very clearly. The entire time.

During this time, I had opportunity to think about this situation. Initially, I was very very annoyed. Ok, even a little angry. But as she continued, with no apparent awareness of anyone else being in the room, being impacted by her comments, behaviors, I began to think about my own behavior... or rather what behavior I might react with. I thought through the many things I could have said, or done which would have made me seem just as young as this girl. Pretty quickly, I came to the conclusion that it is not my place to say or do anything.

Over the next few days, I've thought about this more. It is rarely my place to say something to "correct" some action another has done. I think too often people falsely assume that it's their role. Anger, hurt feelings, drama, and a whole host of other non-reinforcing behaviors usually ensue. Rarely does the offending behavior change.

My friend recently loaned me a book called "How full is your bucket." The basic premise of this book is to shape all interactions with others in attempts to "fill" their buckets. You do this with positive interactions (strengths based positive psychology approach), especially those that play to the strengths, desires, and talents of the recipient. Conversely, negative interaction dips into the person's bucket. One of the challenges issued in this book is to work to continually be a bucket filler rather than a bucket dipper.


The above situation was one were I could easily have been a bucket dipper. But I know that is not my place. What I failed to realize in that moment was that I also neglected to be a bucket filler. I could have easily moved to the treadmill to the right and allowed the girl's friend to move closer. Instead I did nothing.

At one time, I was accused of being a bucket dipper. While I am sure I have focused on the negative or said something less than kind, I do not believe myself to be a chronic bucket dipper. Rather, I am more a chronic bystander. I react the same way I did at the gym, ignoring the behavior, hoping it or she, in this case, will eventually go away.

I am issuing myself a challenge. This will become my place. Instead of continuing to be a bystander, saying or doing nothing, I will actively work to increase positive interactions with those I come in contact with.

By the way, that color looks really lovely on you!

Soo cold

Preparing to ride Frostbike 2011. photo credit: Tom Fleming





FrostBike 2011 started yesterday. I rode today with temps around 20 degrees but a beautiful Sunshine. We had over 30 people join us and then 6 of us rode more afterward. It's amazing that I felt comfortable for most of the ride and could even feel how warm the sun was on my face at one point. It was a beautiful ride. We had some coffee and a little food at Cafe Ventana and then headed back out for more riding (about another hour). I stayed comfortable the whole time. Not too cold, not too sweaty.

Now, I am at home in my snuggly fleece PJ's and I can't get warm. I've even been sitting on the "cat warmers" (heating vents) and it's not sinking into my bones.
I am, as Dessa put it today, "Cold on the inside."

hmmm....

But I want it now!

I know I'm obsessive and black and white about things. When I get my mind set, I want to take off in that direction, often zooming along until I come to a screeching halt. I don't realize along the way that things are amiss. I fail to see the warning signs. Some of them are subtle. Some are glaringly blatant.
I do consider myself to be pretty self aware in general. I recognize my faults, character flaws and I am very introspective. But change is a whole different story. Patience is something I really like, but don't really have. When faced with a path, I do a little churning in the brain, some verbal processing with Phil or a friend and then BOOM, I want to take action NOW.
I am whole hearted with most of what I do. I am passionate, dedicated, but these are often to my detriment. I get caught up in unhealthy situations too easily. I fail to see those cautions signs, As the road gets more curvy, I continue with the same determination from when I started, rather than reducing my intensity to safely navigate the tricky terrain.
I wish that I could be a better judge of character. I like to think that I see the strengths of a person greater than their flaws, but the truth is, my vision is cloudy.
I want soo much for things to be different. I am aware of these challenges, flaws, but I haven't yet found the solution. I am sure when I do, I will fall head first, fast and furious into that change. I want to be better and I want it now!

writing the resolution

Thanks to a suggestion from Jessi, I bought the book Writing Down the Bones (Natalie Goldberg). Since 12/23, I've been writing more and practicing something from each of the chapter's I've read. Since my New Year's Resolution of sorts has been to write more and blog more, I've decided to post more of these writing exercises here.
To the 5 or 6 people who read this, I am sorry. This is primarily an exercise for myself, in a public forum to keep me honest.
I do welcome your feedback, comments, constructive criticism. If you have something mean to say, please keep it to yourself. (There are other blogs where you can freely post your meanness, or on Facebook!)

Here's what I wrote on 12/28/10. Keep in mind, I am a hormonal mess right now. So, I am not entirely responsible for the mess that spills from my mind to the pen and page. (or keyboard and screen).


I'm actually riding the trainer now. Sitting on it as I write. Thoughts turn over as legs turn over. I didn't want to do either today. Didn't want to do anything. Numb.
I'm not happy. There's a discontent in my head and heart. A sense of hopelessness.
Tomorrow will not bring what I long for. But I have no proof of that and I lumber on. Making useless, senseless circles. Joyless circles.
Going through the motions. I hope one of these processes will bring me somewhere. Riding, writing.
Somewhere, deep within me, a steadiness brings joy. I longed for the unknown and freeform that is the holidays but now It's the let down
So I move through what I should to toward what is known. Toward muscle memory for body and soul.