Aloha Beautiful Girl!

Today I said goodbye to my baby girl. She will live on in my heart and memories forever.
I am sad for those of you who did not get a chance to meet her, for she was truly a special kitty.
She was a genius kitty, freely giving bumps and eager to purr.

In her final moments, she curled up on my lap and turned on her side. She reached her little paw out to Phil and held on to his hand and before it was time for final breaths and a world free from pain, she crawled onto Phil's lap for a final goodbye.

My heart aches because I will not get to see her anymore but I trust that she is in a place where she is perfect again. The only being I trust to take care of her and love her more than Phil and I have is God.

Dear God,
Please remember that our Kiki likes "Yays" in the morning. She gets really excited and will sometimes cause "fumbles."
If she goes outside, she likes you to chase her around the yard. She'll eat a little grass and then throw it up, but that's ok. She likes her chin rubbed and sometimes her feet, but she'll give you a gentle bite if you pet her in that one spot on her back. She loves to have the window open so she can look out. She'll greet you at the door and she's great at bumps and toe rubs. She has the best cooing purr. She has too many nicknames to mention, but some of the most popular are Boots, Keeks, Keekers, Squeekers, Bee Keeper.
Please tell her how much her mommy and daddy love her each and every day. Kiss her on her soft little head and touch that little white tip of her right ear.
We will see you soon!

Love, Steph and Phil

The Roller Coaster. More intervals

Life continues to have it's ups and downs.
On the good side, our Kiki is still with us.
The tumor is bigger now and she's having trouble eating again. Her face is a little disfigured and holds her mouth open most of the time, but she's still as adorable as ever. We have learned how to spoon feed and progressed to using a cheese spreader to pile the food as high as it can get as she has limited tongue usage.
She eats about once per day. The times that used to occupy feeding have now been taken over by wiping drool, wiping her off with some "Pet Head" wipes - only for cool cats! and brushing/polishing her. We are on round 3 of antibiotics and keep picking up little tips and strategies that hopefully make it better for her every day.

Yet I still feel as if we are trying to outrun a freight train.

The Syringe medications are going much better these days but wouldn't you know we get bumped up to IM injections of B12 and anti-inflammatory. I am a needle-phobe and Phil hasn't exactly had load of time to practice giving IM meds on other people's cats in the last 25 years. Add on the fact that giving painful shots to your own furry baby is rough. Needless to say, those shots have not gone well, save for our gracious friend "Kube" who has come to our rescue twice already. We desperately want to do them ourselves but tonight's try ended up treating more fur and less in the body...

In other news... There is NO other news.
I can't manage to get on the trainer for more than 20 minutes. Time is ticking away and now I am completely on the fence about my A race, the Iron Horse Classic, which is just 1 month from now.
At this race, I will literally try to outrun a train. I guess I'll have lots of metaphorical practice.

I have been going to the Weds Night TT's with Phil and strangely enough, perfect attendance (my strength) has paid off again, as I am currently the series points leader by 1 point! (Despite the fact that my times have gotten progressively slower since the first week).

I should be doing some sort of sprint intervals right now. Instead I'll just write my coach a check and do some more drool catching intervals around the house.

Still fighting!

I've spent the whole day in tears and full of dread. Kiki had stopped eating over the last two days. Her energy declined and we began to prepare ourselves for the worst. We made an appt this morning with the Vet with the idea that we'd be ready for the worst but with a glimmer of hope, that he'd be able to give us the final say and would be honest and objective above all.

The first available with Dr Irwin was 4:30 pm so we spent the day sitting near Keeks. Petting her, brushing her, snuggling her. She's drooling quite a bit now. Eat time we offered food, she's sniff and retreat, hiding under the table or take a few licks then retreat, with her little jaw clacking. We'd take turns crying, comforting one another and talking softly to her.

When 4 pm arrived, we got in the car to head to the Vet. She fought to get out of my arms in the car (I refused to put her in the carrier) and eventually sat under Phil's seat for a bit. By the time we were in the exam room, she had no drool on her chin (all of it was all over my shirt :)
and she was kneading my arms and clinging to me.
The tech weigh her and asked us what we thought. We told him we had prepared ourselves for the worst, concerned about her suffering and not eating but wanted to see what Dr Irwin thought. He then consulted the chart and noted that she actually was 1 oz heavier than on 3/8!

Dr Irwin came in and noticed right away that her coat and eyes look good and clear. he palpated her jaw and commented that she appears to have mended the bone that was broken, infested by the cancer (he had removed most of the tumor on 3/8). He added that the tumor was only about 60% of the original size and looked pretty good.
After a shot of B12 and a strong anti inflammatory, we got some more pain meds (with advisement that we can always get more), some antibiotic and some food. Her quality of life at this time was judged to be more positive than negative, even with her food refusals over the last several days!

We left that office WITH our Kiki Boots in my arms and a renewed sense of hope. She is an amazing kitty and she's still in this fight, so we are in it with her.

Still a little worried about how we were going to get her to eat, we headed home (she rode the whole way under Phil's seat). As soon as we got home, she was doing a perimeter check. I readied the food, thinking we'd need to start out with the syringe (hopefully giving her some and me and the walls very little food) but decided to start with a plate and spoon. To my amazement and gratitude, she ate some off the spoon, then the plate, then the spoon then the floor! She ate about 1/4 of the can!
She's an amazing little girl. We feel so bad now for even thinking about giving up on her too soon!

Aloha Kiki. (Aloha means soo much more than hello! It also means affection, love, peace, compassion and mercy!!)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ~ That was Sasha writing. I think he wanted to say how much he loves his little sister.

Intervals

Yesterday while on the bike I was thinking about intervals.
I have been using intervals to (hopefully) make me stronger on the bike.
VO2 max intervals, LT intervals, Heater climb intervals, sprint intervals, etc.
PUSH, recover, DIG, Recover, PAIN, recover....

Physical intervals were consistent in my life. Ride/Suffer, Eat, Sleep, Work, repeat....
Singularly focused on having a better racing season that last year. Hopefully repeating some of the success I had on the bike two/three years ago.

Then in a moment.... My life is upside down.

Now my intervals are emotional.

I question everything's purpose. Does anything else really matter?
Cry/Suffer, Sleep, Work, repeat. (fortunately, I've managed to add eating back in in the last couple of days)

The pain is still there with each interval, but I question if I am really getting stronger.
Recovery between intervals has made me more guarded, wary.

I've heard it said, the hills don't get easier, you just go faster.

But where is it that I am going?

I'm on a hill I never want to crest.